Yesterday, my husband and I were parked at the cemetery near our home, waiting to pick up our oldest from the school bus stop. Staring at the headstones, I turned to m husband and said, "Don't you dare give me a boring funeral." Come to find out, he doesn't want a boring and funeral either.
When our son got in the car, we explained our wishes and he too requested the same treatment. "Don't sing that song 'Until we meet again', " he said. "Play something upbeat."
I spoke to my daughter abut my wishes later that day, since she is far more mature than either of her older brothers and it was her suggestion to write everything down, "I can't remember all that, Mom. I'm only ten!"
So here it is, here is my wishes for a non-boring/typical funeral: (Oh, and before I start, let it be noted that I have no plans on going anywhere anytime soon. I'm hanging on to the bitter end, because that's how I like to do things. I'm just putting this out there so that the more who know my wishes can enforce them upon my children and make sure they follow through).
#1 Do NOT hold my funeral at a mortuary or church. I suggest taking everyone bowling or better yet, go to BOONDOCKS and make a full day out of mini-golf, go-cart racing, and laser tag. Celebrate my life by having a good time. If BOONDOCKS is outside the allotted budget (I do have a life insurance policy, put some of that aside for this), then go to a park. Play volleyball and have a BBQ. Seriously. Have a good time, but of course, be a little sad too, but don't let that get in the way of having some fun. "This go-cart race is dedicated to my dear ol' aunt Ang! Now let's go burn some rubber!"
#2 I love balloons. I know it's not good for the environment, but give everyone a balloon to release into the sky... or keep. If someone wants to keep their balloon, that's okay too. My favorite color is black, so all balloons must be black. I know, I know. Black is typical funeral color, but I'm not into pink or purple, so we can bend some rules here.
#3 NO SAPPY SAD MUSIC. None of that, though I guess I wouldn't mind someone singing THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS karaoke style. That would be awesome. Bust out a karaoke machine and have fun. I will put together a list of some of my favorite songs to be sung--anything by PINK, Christina Perri, Mumford & Sons, and The Civil Wars is good. I also do like the soundtrack to FROZEN. So there are lots of options here. Oh, and Johnny Cash. We must not forget THE RING OF FIRE or his version of HURT. Those are a keeper.
#4 I like pie. I do. I think there should be lots of pie for everyone to eat and enjoy. And chocolate. I do enjoy my chocolate. Pie and a chocolate fountain would be awesome. These will be the refreshments.
#5 Everyone must toast me :) And everyone HAS to drink a Diet Pepsi. My favorite. If you hate Diet Pepsi, oh well, it isn't your funeral and it won't kill you. If it does, I will be waiting on the other side for you.
#6 If my funeral runs late into the evening, which why wouldn't it? My funeral will be awesome and fun.I would like everyone to have some glow-in-the-dark necklaces and wands. (See life insurance policy to budget this).
#7 I wouldn't mind if people would like to share a personal story about me. That might be nice. The funnier the better. Maybe there should be a prize for the best story or even a trophy for the winner.
#8 Do NOT spend a lot of money on a casket. Buy the cheapest, but do make sure that I have a pillow or two. Two would be preferred. I like sleeping with two pillows. No one is going to see the casket once it's buried so don't waste money on that. Just don't.
#9 DO spend a nice chunk of change on my headstone. I want a NICE one! No flat headstones either. I don't want my headstone run over by a lawnmower. I want it weed wacked :) I don't care what it says on the headstone, just make it interesting. Something like, "Here lies our beloved wife and mother. If she could come back as a zombie, she would." Something like that. Oh, and I also want built in vases and maybe a little bench too. Yeah, a bench would be lovely. Bring me flowers. No mums please.
#10 Everyone should leave my funeral with a t-shirt that says, "I went to Angela's funeral and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." Put a big ol' picture of me on the front too, because why not?
Seriously, I will come and haunt EVERYONE who does not follow through with my awesome funeral plans. If it turns out that someone throws me a boring sad funeral, I will turn over in my grave and I will spend my eternity hiding your stuff. "Where did I put my car keys?" or "Where is my cell phone?" or "Why is there no toilet paper in here?"
THAT WILL BE ME.
IT. WILL. BE. ME.
I just know that life should be celebrated. We are here for only a short time and we all know that at some point it will end. None of us get out of here alive. I just want to go out with a bang :)
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