Poor Ralphie! (The Christmas Story)
We've all received one. That glorious, beautifully wrapped present that exudes love, magic, and holiday joy--only to be opened to reveal a gift so awful it causes us to die a little inside.
I'm talking the dreaded handmade sweater, the talking toilet paper roll, the Christmas holiday decoration given to us ON Christmas day so that we have to wait a whole year to enjoy it, the wallet that looks like bacon (yes folks, there is a wallet that looks like bacon. I'm half tempted to buy it), the half a bottle of aspirin with a bow on top, any kind of salt and pepper shaker, or the ever so fun Chia Pet in all it's forms. We ALL have one of those stories. And if you don't, well it's coming! Just you wait and see.
For me, it came in a box, delivered by the postman, marked, "From your Secret Lover".
Since I only had one lover, it was quite easy to narrow it down to that of my husband. What a guy! It made me all giddy inside. I wondered what it could be? I shook that box, but couldn't for the life of me figure out what he had bought. It had to be something pretty special to have Amazon print out a tag that said "From your Secret Lover!" I was certain it was filled with all kinds of awesomeness inside.
Since I only had one lover, it was quite easy to narrow it down to that of my husband. What a guy! It made me all giddy inside. I wondered what it could be? I shook that box, but couldn't for the life of me figure out what he had bought. It had to be something pretty special to have Amazon print out a tag that said "From your Secret Lover!" I was certain it was filled with all kinds of awesomeness inside.
Told you. Bacon wallet.
He didn't wrap it. He just put it under the tree as-is, but I didn't mind. I liked looking at the address label, so it was all good. I was all excited. I even told my friends about my "From your Secret Lover" box asking them to speculate as well. Jewelery? I didn't think so. It was an average, medium sized box. Clothes? Again I didn't think so. It felt too heavy to be clothes.
I just couldn't wait for Christmas morning to find out.
I just couldn't wait for Christmas morning to find out.
Finally, Christmas arrived. Our children were all a buzz and filled to the brim with glee as they raced each other to the tree and began to open their various gifts.
But my eye was on my box. Forget that there were other gifts under the tree with my name on them, I wanted to know what was in that box. I'm not good with surprises. I'm terrible, actually. Don't ask me to keep a secret because I'm horrible at it.
Well, it was time to open my gift. My husband handed it to me. Smiles all on my face. Guess what was inside?
A book. Now, I love books. I have a mighty fine collection of books scattered through out my house. But this wasn't just any book. This was a EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO ORGANIZE YOUR HOME book. Yep. My secret lover bought me a book on organization. Yeah. Exactly. (Women, you're probably like, "Oh my gosh! He didn't?" and men, you're like, "Dude. That guy is so screwed").
Tip number one: Do NOT buy your significant other a book to organize your home even if you really think your home could benefit from it. AND do not label it from your secret lover unless you no longer want to have this particular lover in your life.
Tip number two: Do NOT give a book about organization to your significant other when you, yourself, are a mini hoarder.
Tip number three: There is NO good holiday or occasion to give your loved one a book on organization. None. This is the kind of book that a person has to buy for themselves. It can NOT be given as a gift to ANYONE.
(To play devil's advocate here, my husband had heard the author of this book on NPR, National Public Radio, and thought this author had some amazing ideas. My husband thought he was doing a great thing. This was many years ago. I'm still bringing it up. So as you can see, it was not. I never even opened the cover of that book. Never read it).
Since then, my husband has bought me some wonderful presents--Kindle, jewelery, cameras, vacations. So he has redeemed himself. He's a good guy (he wanted me to point this out).
So, what was the WORST present you have ever received? Can you top a book on how to organize your home? I'd love to hear about it.
But my eye was on my box. Forget that there were other gifts under the tree with my name on them, I wanted to know what was in that box. I'm not good with surprises. I'm terrible, actually. Don't ask me to keep a secret because I'm horrible at it.
Well, it was time to open my gift. My husband handed it to me. Smiles all on my face. Guess what was inside?
A book. Now, I love books. I have a mighty fine collection of books scattered through out my house. But this wasn't just any book. This was a EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO ORGANIZE YOUR HOME book. Yep. My secret lover bought me a book on organization. Yeah. Exactly. (Women, you're probably like, "Oh my gosh! He didn't?" and men, you're like, "Dude. That guy is so screwed").
Tip number one: Do NOT buy your significant other a book to organize your home even if you really think your home could benefit from it. AND do not label it from your secret lover unless you no longer want to have this particular lover in your life.
Tip number two: Do NOT give a book about organization to your significant other when you, yourself, are a mini hoarder.
Tip number three: There is NO good holiday or occasion to give your loved one a book on organization. None. This is the kind of book that a person has to buy for themselves. It can NOT be given as a gift to ANYONE.
(To play devil's advocate here, my husband had heard the author of this book on NPR, National Public Radio, and thought this author had some amazing ideas. My husband thought he was doing a great thing. This was many years ago. I'm still bringing it up. So as you can see, it was not. I never even opened the cover of that book. Never read it).
Since then, my husband has bought me some wonderful presents--Kindle, jewelery, cameras, vacations. So he has redeemed himself. He's a good guy (he wanted me to point this out).
So, what was the WORST present you have ever received? Can you top a book on how to organize your home? I'd love to hear about it.
