First Chapter of ROUND AND ROUND WE GO (new WIP)

This is rough. It hasn't been edited, so forgive mistakes. I'd love some feedback, so feel free to leave a comment and let me know you read it and what you thought. Thanks :)

ROUND AND ROUND WE GO
by Angela Scott
Chapter One

“You see up there?” I pointed through the curved rear window of the Chevy hatchback. “God made those nightlights just for you.”

Her lips turned downward, a scowl of unbelieving. “No, Momma." She twisted her head to better look at me. “Stars!”

“Stars, huh?” I laid my head next to hers. Her dark curls tickled my face. “You sure about that?”

She nodded. So smart. So certain of herself.

“Hmmm… maybe you’re right, but let’s pretend, okay?” I took her hand in mine; the baby softness still permeated her tiny features. Never had I felt anything so soft. “Those are God’s lights looking over you, watching you from above and keeping you safe while you sleep.”

Her fingers tightened their hold. “Momma, don’t go.”

My heart constricted—physical pain caused by mental anguish. “I know, baby, but I have to go inside. I have to work now.”

Her hand squeezed mine tighter. She’d never understand and I never expected her to, but I understood clearly enough for the both of us. The reality was that if I didn’t leave her and go inside to ring up beer and cigarettes for ungrateful customers, we’d be worse off than we already were. No money. No hope. No chance for a new life. She may have thought I had a choice, but I didn't have a choice at all.

Our situation needed to change and soon. I couldn’t imagine going on much longer this way living out of the car. This wasn't the plan, it had never been the plan for my life, but it was the reality. "A continual mess-up," so my mother dubbed me, and as much as I hated admitting it, it turned out she was right. I was a mess-up, a real flop of a human being, but this mess of a human was the only mother Sophie had.

Maybe nothing worked out the way I'd intended it to, but as my daughter's bright blue eyes stared up at me and her warm little fingers wrapped around my own, I could never wish her existence away. I'd screwed up everything—everything but her. She was perfect, so I couldn't be all that terrible, could I?

“I’ll be right inside.” I kissed her forehead and smiled to reassure her. Maybe if she saw me smile, then maybe she wouldn’t worry. Little girls shouldn’t have to worry—that’s their momma’s job. “I can see you from the window. And look”—I sat up and helped her to do the same—“you can see me too. I’ll be right there.”

I couldn’t park the car too close to the front of the building. Those spaces were reserved for customers, not employees. It didn’t matter that the night shift had very few customers, if any. At least I didn't have to park the car in back where I wouldn't be able to see her at all.

I tucked the blankets in around her, making sure she was warm and as comfortable as the folded down seats of a hatchback could be. “I’ll lock all the doors, and I’ll check on you every hour to see if you need anything, okay?”

She stared at me, blinking. Her thumb quickly slipped inside her mouth. She was much too old for thumb sucking, but I didn't say anything and brushed the hair away from her eyes, and bent and kissed her once more. My eyes closed for a moment, and I breathed her in. Pink bubblegum.

“I want you to go to sleep now. Dream big dreams.” I ran my fingertips over and over her butterfly lids until her delicate lashes no longer opened but rested quietly on her cheeks. Her stuffed bunny was tucked into the crook of her arm. She couldn't sleep without him, and since I couldn’t stay with her, he could watch over her and keep her company.

I locked each door, checked them twice, and went inside.

***

I flipped through the People magazine, not really reading the articles but simply trying to pass the time. Madonna wanted to be the mother to her daughter that she never had. The topic hits close to home, familiar and painful, and I skimmed the rest. It's the only article I attempted to read.

The parking lot is empty. The neon signs—Dairy, Busch Classic, ATM, Open—hummed with electricity. The slushie machines stirred the sticky sugary drink mix, and Britney Spears song, "Opps, I did it again" played over the crackling speakers, filling the otherwise silence.

I hadn't served a customer in nearly an hour, so I folded the magazine and placed it back in the sales rack and looked out the large glass windows. My car sat at the far end of the parking lot, partially hidden in deep shadows and partially lit up by the glow from the large Circle K sign.

I locked the register and slipped outside to check on her again. The bells on the door chimed as I passed through them and my feet padded out the familiar path to my car—a dull silver 1986 Honda Accord that took most of my savings to buy and then depleted the rest of my savings to repair. I glanced back at the store, no cars, no chiming bells, and turned my attention to Sophie.

She was asleep, just as she'd been the times before. Only now, she'd slipped completely out of the blankets and turned herself sideways. She'd always been a wild sleeper, pressing herself against me to make sure I was there. Even as a baby, she refused to sleep in her bassinet and preferred sleeping my arms or on my chest. So sleeping on her own was new, for both her and for me, but the last couple of nights had proved she was capable of doing it. She was growing up quicker than I'd liked. She had her thumb in her mouth, a bad habit that needed breaking before it ruined her baby teeth, and her bunny hugged in her toddler grasp. As much as I had wanted to tuck the loose blankets around her, I didn't. Opening the door might wake her and I couldn't afford for that to happen.

I wasted no more time and headed back to my position behind the counter.

Britney Spears was replaced by Madonna's, "Beautiful Stranger." Weird. I'd just been reading about her.

***

"Will that be all for you today?” I carefully placed each item in a paper bag—the nearly expired cans of soup on the bottom, the loaf of white bread perched on top.

The man pointed behind me. Figuring he wanted cigarettes, our primary sale, I asked him his preference. He shook his head, and I followed the direction of his finger. A shelf lined with little blown-glass figurines. Beautiful oddities dusted weekly but never sold.  

“Okay, which one would you like to look at?”

Still, he said nothing, just pointed to a crystal-clear dangling heart. A sun catcher. Gently, I removed it from its suctioned hook and placed it in his open palm for inspection. “That one’s ten dollars.”

He turned it over, fingering its delicate surface. Then he held it up and tiny twinkling lights splashed over the counter. I'd never realized how pretty it was before. Hanging in front of a window, it would be incredible. A personal rainbow when the light caught it just right. 

He nodded, and I wrapped it carefully in a plastic bag of its own. “That’ll be thirty-one fifty."

He handed me the money, exact change, and I wished him a good day. As he left, the bells on the door clanged together. 

***

“Good morning, Ivy.” Janice tucked her purse under the counter and adjusted her red smock. “Busy night?”

“The usual, I guess.” I ran my punch card through the machine and sighed. “How was your night?”

She shrugged. “Uneventful. Hank snored loud enough to wake the neighbors. That’s about it. You get to be my age and snoring becomes the highlight of every evening.”

I smiled and unsnapped my smock, ready to call it quits. “Well, I’ll see ya tonight, I guess. Oh, there’s a fresh pot of coffee brewing, and I just added the frozen mix to the slushie machine. The hot dogs need dumped. They’ve been in there all night. Sorry about that.”

“No problem.” She clocked in, taking over. “Go get some sleep. You look awful.”

This time I forced my smile. Sleep. I don’t even know what that means anymore. “I’ll try.”

With my purse slung over my shoulder and my soiled smock draped over one arm, I passed through the front door, ringing the bells, and walked across the parking lot toward my car. The sun rose slowly, and if I was lucky, I could slip inside the driver’s seat and catch an hour’s worth of sleep before Sophie woke up. That’s what I did: caught snippets of sleep here and there and for the most part ran on fumes. Someday it would all be different, so I held on to that hope.

I rummaged around inside my purse for the keys, but my fingers stilled and my feet stopped moving. The silver push-down lock stood high and erect. The passenger's side was the same.

I hesitated only briefly before throwing the door open and leaning over the front seat. "Sophie?"

Rumpled blankets, an indented pillow, the rabbit—no little girl.

“Sophie?” I shook the empty blankets as if by doing so, she would magically appear. Where is she? Where is she? No, no, no!

I stumbled from the car and scanned the parking lot, turning in a tight circle, looking in every direction. “Sophie!” My hands began to shake as fear crept up my throat and my chest tightened. The world spun in a blurred circle around me. “Sophie!”

A pendulum of movement hanging from my rearview mirror silenced my calls and held me captive. I couldn't move. My heart contracted but didn't release, my breath tangled in my throat and threatened to suffocate me.

The crystal heart I'd sold earlier swung ever so slightly, reflecting the light of the morning sun.

A personal rainbow just for me.

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