Are you a Zombie? (Tips & Tricks for the Newly Undead)

Whenever we think of the zombie apocalypse, most of us would like to believe we would look something like this--->

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When in reality we will most likely find ourselves looking like this

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It's the hard cold truth, and I'm sorry to break it to you, but it's better that you know now so you can plan and prepare for your inevitable zombiehood and make the most of it.

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Because here's the thing: There's usually a lot of zombies in a zombie apocalypse. Lots. Every movie says so. (And have you seen the movie for WORLD WAR Z? Damn. That's a lot of zombies. See trailer below).

Even super intelligent people become zombies—doctors, businessmen, scientists, rescue people, military—so how in the world is someone like you and me going to beat this thing? No offense, but we're not. We're just not.

In fact, unless you are a redneck with a bunker of ammunition, having prepared for a zombie apocalypse since birth, you are pretty much screwed.

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Is this your face? No? Then you will be a zombie.

So now that we've come to accept our fate (Just embrace it. It will be okay), we can go about preparing ourselves to be the best damn zombie a zombie can be.

Tip #1: When you find you have been bitten, don't scream and shout that a zombie got ya. That's a no-no. Big time. You will end up with a bullet between the eyes before you even had a chance to enjoy yourself. Just relax. Take some deep breaths. And for the love of all that's good in the world, hide that bite. Don't show anyone.

Tip #2: Act natural. This will be hard, but I have faith that you can do it. Try whistling. Everyone likes whistling and people will think you're A-OK and not think anything is up with you.

Tip #3: Get to a safe place. Find somewhere that is comfortable for you, but make sure it's open and airy as well. Locked doors and windows will be your downfall and make being the best zombie you can be quite difficult (Zombies can't unlock doors. That's a fact) and you don't want to spend all your glorious zombie time trying to smash down doors. Wasteful. So if you chose to go to your home, leave all your doors open and try to stay on the main floor. Stairs can be tricky.

Tip #4: Before you go into convulsions and succumb to unconsciousness (this happens right before death) take the time to bathe. Freshen up a little. Wash all your parts, brush your teeth, and maybe put on your very best clothing. A nice suit and tie for the gents and a lovely party frock for the ladies. A well dressed zombie will get you much farther along than looking like a hobo. There's no need to play into the stereotypical zombie role. None-what-so-ever

Tip #4a: Spray your clothing with Scotch Guard. You will be outdoors a lot and most likely it will rain. But more importantly, it will help protect your clothes from stains as well (there will be stains. It's inevitable). WARNING: Scotch Guard is flammable, so proceed with care.

Tip #5: Be mindful of where you're swinging your limbs and where you're walking. There's no need to rush about once you've turned. Take it easy. Slow it down. Every movie shows that even the slowest of zombies still manage to do a lot of damage and eat a lot of brains. Your body is your temple. Take care of it. Injuries happen to the careless and to the overly zealous. That doesn't have to be you. You don't want to snag your arms on broken fences or twist an ankle by tripping over another zombie. That will just make things more difficult. Take care of your corpse. Be good to it.

Tip #6: Remember your manners. Don't push or clamor over other zombies. There's no need for rudeness. And yes, there will be jerk zombies. If they were a jerk as a human, then they will most likely be a jerk as part of the undead. Don't waste your time fighting them. Just shamble away. Move along. There will be other survivors to eat and nicer zombies to create a horde with. You have plenty of time.

Tip #6a: Don't become a member of the wrong horde. Your instinct will be to find other zombies, any zombies, to mingle and become friends with. Be careful. Some zombies are just buttheads. Don't let that be you. Find other zombies with similar values as yours. Working together can be a good thing, but it can also be a bad thing if you chose your friends unwisely. Watch and observe your new zombie friends' behaviors, if what they're doing feels wrong and goes against your principles, then go with your gut. You don't have to eat the baby if you don't want to. You have a choice.

Tip #7: Stay to side roads and trails. Open fields make you an easy target. Main roads will get you run over or blown up when the military drop their bombs. Country living is rather nice anyway, so look for little towns. Farmers are actually quite delicious. More organic than city folk.

Tip #8: This is the most important one, smile and enjoy yourself. You're a zombie! It isn’t like your dead-dead or anything. Aside from the occasional insane zombie survivalist, undead life can be pretty good. No taxes. No paying bills. No mowing lawns or taking out the trash. Look at the bright side and make your zombie living the best it can be.

Of course there is much more we can all learn to prepare ourselves. The above is just to get you started and give you a fair chance of "living" for as long as possible in your undead state before someone cuts off your head or shoots you. If you know any other tips or tricks that might be helpful, please share. We're all learning here. And, when the time comes, and you see me in my zombie state, wave and say hello. Maybe we can start our own horde together. Wouldn't that be fun!

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